Fools, Suckers and Raw Water


Although there is no evidence any of these gentleman actually came up with these quotes, Abraham Lincoln, P.T. Barnum and Captain Penny offer sage advice even today.

Our 16th President is often quoted with saying, “You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but you cannot fool all of the people all the time.”

Barnum, the mid-19th century showman gets credited with “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

And, who can forget my childhood TV babysitter, Ron Penfound.

Growing up in Mansfield, Ohio in the ‘50’s and watching WEWS-TV 5 in Cleveland, we heard Ron Penfound, (aka Captain Penny) intone, “You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but, you can’t fool Mom. She’s pretty nice and she’s pretty smart. Do what Mom says and you won’t go far wrong!”

So, why am I not surprised that folks in California’s Silicon Valley are being warned not to drink “raw water”.

Mom never told me not to drink the water from our faucet.

By definition, “raw water” is any H2o that comes straight from “natural sources” and hasn’t passed through any pipes, filtering or cleaning processes.

“So-Cal” consumers wanting “off-the-grid” water without any fluorides or other additives are shelling out more than $60 for a two-and-a-half gallon jug of the stuff.

The government’s CDC warns that “raw water” from springs and mountain streams can hold bacteria linked to hepatitis, norovirus and E. coli.

And, what about the frog pooh, fish turds and crawdad tinkle?

Two things strike me funny regarding this news.

“Raw water” and paying $60+ for two-and-a-half gallons for anything…but liquid gold.

I am amused at how some folks become completely disoriented when they hear or read “organic, green, natural or raw”.

And slick marketers realize this so anytime they can slip any or all of those words into their pitches, it’s time to open up the bank vaults and rake the “spending” green in.

Also, the “savvy” consumer knows that “special” stuff is going to cost more than the “corporate crap” the ignorant masses buy at the big box store on every corner, so “raw water” must be worth what the price tag indicates.

If I walked into a store and saw jugs of bottled “raw water” on the shelf, I’d be looking for Alan Funt or “America’s Funniest Home Videos” peeking from behind a counter.

Now that I’m somewhat retired, I have time for more worthless mind-wanderings and I’m thinking there are some “gold mines” out there I need to explore.

Grind up and compost old comic books and sell it as “Humorous Humus”.

Your flowers will chuckle and your vegetables will smile if you plant them in my soil and it’s only $60 for a ten pound bag (sold, of course in a bio-degradable, eco-friendly bag).

“Build Your Own Pencil” kits.

I’ll collect and package the material from all the nation’s pencil sharpeners and include instructions on how you now have all you need to make your own pencils. Star sorting your “raw materials”, add a little, harmless school glue and Voila!

(You’re on your own for the erasers, though!)

Still, only $60 for a biodegradable container with enough “raw” pencil material to make up to a dozen of your own writing devices.

“Clothes Remnants Knitting” kits.

Be the first on your block to purchase a biodegradable bag of “Clothing Remnants” and start knitting your new wardrobe.

Back in the old days, “clothing remnants” might have been laughed off as “dryer lint” but not anymore! A vacuum-packed bag, about the size of your coffee cup, is only $60.

Sixty bucks will also get you instructions on how to use my miracle “Hand Warmer/Dryer” device.

But, since I like you, I’ll let you in on my little secret.

Form an “O” with you lips. In cold weather, force air through that opening and your hands will begin to warm and when they’re wet, the same action will cause drying. No need to punch the button on that filthy, formerly eco-friendly piece of equipment in the restroom and you’re still saving the rain forests.

I feel like whistling “California Hear I Come”.


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