Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster …

Back in the day, a spurious or superstitious expression was referred to as an “Old Wives’ Tale”.

I might be so bold as to suggest the modern version might be the Internet, or at least Facebook.

Growing up in northern Ohio, I was exposed to a lot of “Old Wives’ Tales”.

We had a boat we kept on Lake Erie and if I had a dollar for every time I heard, “You can’t swim after eating”, I’d be able to buy all of us lunch.

I now suspect parents shared that tidbit with us because they’d knew they’d have 60 minutes to relax and not worry about rowdy kids splashing in the water.

Did you ever hear, “Feed a cold, starve a fever”?

I found out that was actually “Feed a cold, stave a fever”.

Stave means “to prevent”.

Old wives also reminded us that cracking knuckles would cause arthritis (Arthur-itis if my Mother-in-law Martha was telling the tale).

No truth to that saying.

I suspect old folks told us that because the sound bothered them.

Kind of the same way with “Cross your eyes too long and they’ll stay that way”.

Our younger daughter Stacey used to be nearly cross-eyed before she got her “Gumdrop glasses”.

She told us she was “toss-eyed” and was wearing bifocals when she was just 3.

We were also told that shaving hair made it grow back thicker.

When I was a younger man, I tried that on my chest and all it did was foul up my razor.

I now have more hair in my ears than I used to have on my chest when I was in high school.

Old wives also had a lot to say about babies.

If you carry a child low when pregnant, it will be a boy but carry it high and a little girl is on the way.

No truth to the statement.

“If you have heartburn when pregnant, you’ll have a hairy baby”.

My wife Neav rarely had heartburn while pregnant but she reminded me that daughter Stacey had a hairy back and Grandma Shearer said that was a sign of strength.

Yet another tale from an old gal.

We were also told when the babies were teething, dip your finger in some brandy or whiskey and rub it on their gums.

I guess the liquor was supposed to soothe the gums.

Today we’d call that “Contributing to the delinquency of a minor”.

How about, “Don’t sit too close to the TV set or you’ll ruin your eyes”.

Back in the old days, the ‘boob tube” probably emitted some radiation.

There’s a great Simpson episode where Homer goes back to his childhood home and there’s a shadow of his image on the wall behind where he watched TV.

I just remember our family’s first color TV had a metal cabinet and when you walked across the carpeted room to change channels, you could create a spark to light New York City for an hour.

No, we didn’t have remotes, either!

The “sitting too close” adage was probably created by parents who didn’t want their view blocked.

Old wives also warned us that if you swallowed your chewing gum, it would take 7 years to be digested.

Truth be known, it passes on in about a week.

We were also told that “drinking coffee stunts your growth”.

I started in high school and I’m 6’2″ tall.

“Fish is brain food”.

I’m guessing their as a time that most youth didn’t like fish but when we vacationed on Lake Erie, we we caught a lot of fish and ate them

I’m still a big fish “fan” but truth be known, I like it better with tartar sauce.

If it’s brain food, though, I still forget where I left my truck keys.

Old wives used to tell us there was a “5 second rule” for food dropped on the floor.

Studies say germs and bacteria jump aboard immediately after contact.

But, if you have dogs or cats, food on the floor can often be gone within 2 seconds.

How about peeing on a jellyfish sting will alleviate the pain?

“Honest officer, I was just stung by a jellyfish!” I yelled as I was stuffed in a cruiser and hauled away from the beach.

We used to hear that we only use 10% of our brains.

Judged by what I see on Facebook, that number might be lower.