Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster

I recently read that there’s a new health kick called “fart walking”.

Supporters say you should take a brief, brisk walk after lunch since it aids digestion.

You see, farting and belching helps us rid our gut of trapped air.

Too much air and we get bloated.

The next time you’re watching a movie or a TV special, remember, the typical person farts 6 to 20 times per day.

Even Hollywood stars and political figures.

I would be quick to suggest that it helps take the mystique out of stardom and fame real quick.

Since farting and belching are so common, why don’t belches stink as bad as some farts?

Gas in your intestines has “gut bacteria” which contains sulfur.

About half of our gas is nitrogen while hydrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane and sulfur make up the rest.

(I’m so glad I took chemistry in high school.)

Farting, while quite natural, can be socially embarrrassing.

In social settings, you can ignore it, make a small joke or offer a quick apology.

In the men’s room, I’ll respond with, “Just bleeding off the air brakes.”

Passing gas is a good sign that your intestines (gut) are moving appropriately and removing excess gas.

It’s a sign of good gut “motility”.

(The ability of organisms, cells or microorganisms to move independently and spontaneously, using metabolic energy).

Now, if you’d like to lessen the amount of air you intake, don’t chew gum, gulp liquids, suck on hard candy and avoid asparagus, beans, cabbage, coffee, dairy products, eggs and onions.

A lot of fiber is only partially digested in your small intestine and that leaves much more work for your large intestine where the gas is produced.

Did you know one of the oldest recorded jokes is about farting?

It’s a Sumerian knee-slapper going back some 1,900 years.

It roughly translates into, “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

I guess you had to be there.

Huff Post lists 150 different terms for farting.

“Break wind”, “pass gas”, “toot”, “poot”, “cut the cheese”, “wind”, “air biscuit”, “SBD” (Silent But Deadly), “cut one loose”, “rip one”, “barking spider”, “putt-putt” and “whiffer” to name a few.

A couple of the more more special ones include, “Crop-dusting”, “Bumsen burner”, “answering the call of the wild burrito”, “Horton hears a pooh”, ‘steam press your Calvins” and “testing the Levi wind tunnel.”

Leave it to Alfred E. Newman of Mad Magazine fame for the 1963 tune, “It’s a Gas!” which featured a series of short and long burps.

It’s found on the albums “Fink Along With Mad” and includes such hits as “Let’s Do the Fink”, “Her Moustache” and “Loving a Siamese Twin” with vocals by Mike Russo, Jeanne Hayes and the Dellwoods.

King Curtis (“Soul Twist”) played saxophone on the album which was produced by Phil Ramone who was involved with dozens of big-name recording stars over the years.

Now, lots of songs through the years mentioned “gas” like the Stones “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” but that “gas” meant something else.

“Gas” was something “cool” or “neat”.

I always remember an Air Force buddy called Jack Welker.

We called him “Happy Jack” and “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” always brings him to mind for me.

In 1968, Mason Williams had an instrumental hit song, “Classical Gas”.

It was originally titled “Classical Gasoline”.

South African trumpeter Hugh Masekela went “Grazing’ in the Grass” in 1968 but I was partial to the 1969 version by “Friends of Distinction” when we sang, “Grazing in the grass is a gas, baby, can you dig it?”

“Gasoline Alley” comes to mind for Indianapolis 500 race fans but how many remember the comic strip by the same name created by Frank King?

It featured the Wallet family, Walt, his wife Phyllis and their adopted son Skeezix.

The strip reflected traditional American values.

Skeezix, by the way, is cowboy slang for “motherless calf” which fits because he was left abandoned on Walt’s doorstep.

So, as you go “fart walking” after lunch, bet you’ll be singing “Grazing in the Grass”.

“It’s a gas, baby, can you dig it”?

Just make sure your friends are all upwind of you as you aide your digestion.

Otherwise, you might get arrested for “crop-dusting”.