The Tissue Issue and Apes Going Ape…


th Monkey

Reading the news the other day, I thought it might be near the first of April.

The story that caught my eye seemed as though it might be an April Fool’s day prank.

I read that the Kleenex people are looking into a new name for their “Mansize” tissue.

“Mansize” Kleenex has been around since 1956 and has been the most-popular brand in the United Kingdom.

“Mansize” Kleenex is “confidently strong, confidently soft with a touch of silk”.

Seems some “consumers” claimed that  “Mansize” is sexist.

It’s strange to me for a couple of reasons.

That someone would feel “Mansize” is sexist.

That Kleenex would actually go to the effort of changing te name if its’ tissue.

If this is legitimate, the folks at Frisch’s should expect a call from a concerned consumerregarding that evil “Big Boy” sandwich.

I’m thinking Mr. Clean might be on the endangered species list today as well.

Watch out “Manwich”!

You might be next.

Heaven forbid that the “sexist police” might pull over the “Three Musketeers” for questioning.

The music world might be impacted so watchout Manfred Mann’s Earth Band.

This all seems so frivilous to me.

I can’t believe that very many people have been sleepless for many nights fretting over the impact of “Mansize” tissues on their lives.

Frankly, when my nose is running, the first thing on my mind is halting the flow and I’mnot overly concerned with the social rammifications if I happen to grab a “Mansize” tissue.

If that offends you then consider the alaternative; an uninterrupted flow of nasal fluids from my sinuses.

Who said “Hoosier hankie?”

So I could use something other than a “Mansize” tissue you say?

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t even know there was a Kleenex “Mansize” option.

Like my late Father-in-law, Ted, I’ve been known to grab a paper towel in the kitchen if nose-blowing was needed.


Didn’t consider the fact it might be a “Brawny” brand with that big”rough and tumble” man in plaid on the package

Would that be sexist?

Listen, if we’re going to be gender-neutral with everything in our world, let’s not forget”Lady Fingers”  before we go much further.

“Man-to-man defense”.

We’re already seeing this thinking impact our public restrooms with the “Family-Friendly” options out there.

For all their failings and shortcomings, except for cheese and wine, the French got this right when they say, “Vive la difference”, boldly suggesting that we celebrate the differences between the sexes.

The phrase is used to express diversity, especially between men and women.

Shame on thinking “Mansize” Kleenex is sexist.

Shame on Kleenex for caving in.

Meanwhile, I have proof-positive that monkeys watch ntv news.

A 72 year old Indian man was stoned to death recently by a group of monkeys.

Reports indicate the man was collecting firewood when a group of monkeys in a tree started hurling brings at him from a nearby ruined building.

He was hit about 20 times in the head and chest and succumbed to his injuries.

Now, reports didn’t indicate if the man was actually taking “monkey” wood or if he yelled obscenities at the chimps.

Maybe he just looked at them funny.

(That can actually get you shot in some big city human neighborhoods!)

But here’s where the story gets even wierder.

The guy’s family wants justice.

They believe this is murder and they want accountability.

Police ruled the death accidental, arguing you can’t really file charges against monkeys

But, if “Mansize” Kleenex is sexist, why can’t moneys be charged with murder?

I think this story proves that the apes are aping us.

They’ve been watching the evening news and they see us tossing rocks and bricks as a way to voice displeasure or disagreement.

They weren’t happy with this guy picking up firewood, especially within brick-throwing distance of their tree.

Forget the call to the authorities.

Let’s teach this guy a lesson.

A “rock concert” of sorts broke out.

Everytime I watch tv, I see these lawyer adds telling me “someone means business” or this attorney is going to “hammer” someone.

One of them has to be thinking about taking up this case and going after the monkeys.

This has all the makings of a great “Made for TV” movie.

We already have the “Planet of the Apes” costumes around and all that’s left is the casting.

Not actual monkeys mind you.

Way too hard to control on the set.


I remember J. Fred Muggs on the old “Today Show”  with Dave Garroway and does anyone else remember that 60’s tv show  called “The Hathaways”?

It starrred Peggy Cass and Jack Weston as Elinore and Walter along with the 3 Marquis Chimps.

Don’t forget “Lance Link, Secret Chimp”  which had a short run in the early 70’s.

(It was a riot but monkeys are inherently amusing to me.)

Unles they’re throwing bricks.

If that makes you cry, don’t ask for a “Mansize” Kleenex.

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