Top Stories in 2050..

 

800px_COLOURBOX6358704In 1968, Zager and Evans released a song, “In the Year 2525”.

Rick Evans and Denny Zager’s song was number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 list in America for 6 weeks in August and September of that year.

Not too shabby for a “one-hit wonder” reportedly produced in one take in a studio in an Odessa, Texas cow pasture..

If you’re not familiar with the song, it starts in the year 2525 and humanity has survived.

The song basically looks at the world in intervals of  1,010 years.

The human race becomes more sedentary and automated with machines doing everything.

Marriage is obsolete and children are conceived in test-tubes.

Thoughts are pre-programmed into pills that people take.

In the year  7510, the Second Coming has happened and the Last Judgement occurs one millennium later.

In 9595, Zager and Evans sings that humanity is likely wiped out as punishment for depleting the world.

In 10.000, Earth is plunged into eternal night as the reign of humans is finished.

Pretty heavy stuff.

Sitting here more than 50 years after this song was released, it’s more prophetic than we probably thought it was in the Sixties.

And, since it was Zager and Evans only real hit, maybe they were better at seeing the future than recording songs.

That being said, I’m going to take a shot at looking into the murky future and making some predictions.

But I’m not going to reach out to the year 2525.

The year 2050 is far enough.

Here are some of the future headlines I think we’ll be reading/hearing in 30+ years.

“Mexican President Vows America will Pay for “The Wall” to Stem the Tide of American Illegals Seeking Cheap Tequila”.

“Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg Sprains Wrist in Skate-Boarding Mishap”.

“Indiana University Men’s Basketball Team Predicts First-Ever Big Ten Tourney Win”.

“Polar Ice Cap Exploration Team Delayed by Rare Memorial Day Blizzard”.

“McDonald’s Offers Golden Arch Supports for Seniors”.

“Nail Clippers, Fly Swatters and Pens Required to be Registered by Federal Officials”.

N-H-L Hockey City Claims First-Ever All-Natural Teeth Team”.

“Indianapolis Disappears into a Giant Chuckhole”.

“School District Proposes Building a Moat Around Buildings”.

“New State Proposed for All Announced Democratic Presidential Candidates”.

Wants some more?

“New I Phones Come With Shoulder Straps”.

“National Weather Service Will Alternate Among ‘Men, Women and Other’ Names for Hurricanes”.

“The U.S. Postal Service Hikes First Class Stamp to  $10.10 And Starts Thursday-Only Delivery”.

“Election Results in Florida Delayed by Hanging Chad”.

“Vice-Presidential Candidate Alexandria Ocasio Cortez Proposes Rewiring the Electoral College”.

“Young Family Seen Talking to One Another While Dining Out”.

“KFC Icon Makes FBI’s 10 Most-Wanted List”.

“Cleveland Native Americans Still Haven’t Won a World Series Since 1948”.

“Former NBC News Anchor Brian Williams Thinks He Remembers Going to the Moon”.

“Bernie Sanders Announces his 9th Run for President”.

Now I’m on a roll!

“Contest Underway to Re-name Columbus for Someone Other Than a 15th Century Thug”.

“Average Height of NBA Players Now 8 Feet, 11 Inches”.

“California Installs Parking Meters on All Los Angeles Freeways”.

“Ronald McDonald Starts Legal Clinic Named McLaw”.

“Gun Control Effort Now Focusing on Retailer Target Logo”.

“Snail Darter Plague Clogging Numerous Waterways”.

“Second July Snowstorm Delays Global Warming Seminar in Miami”.

“Indiana State Legislature Considering Hate Law”.

“FDA 10 Year, $10 Billion Study Reveals Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss”.

“NFL Touch Football Season Starts April First”.

Wants some more?

“WalMart Opens First Customer-Stocked Store”.

“National Weather Service Claims Weather Channel Radar Causes Tornadoes”.

“Dogs and Humans to Switch Roles in Next Iditarod”.

“Dancing With the Stars Officially Runs Out of Stars”.

“Rocky LXII Opens at  Drive-In Theatre in Camden, New Jersey”.

“Elephants With Peanut Allergies Treated at Zoo”

“Nutritionists Confirm Brussel Sprouts Are Totally Worthless”.

“Fans Just Notice Cheerleaders Have been Missing From Games for 6 Seasons”.

“Arborists Develop Leaf-Free Tree”.

“Study Underway to Make Saturday Night Live Funny Again”.

I see even more in my crystal ball,

“Veterinarians Breed Dog With Pooh Bags Attached to Tail”.

“Turtles Hold Up Bank With Knives Fashioned From Plastic Drinking Straws”.

“High Court Rules Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights”.

“Scientists Hope to Determine if There’s Anything Truly Edible in a Hot Dog”.

“Tesla and Uber to Cooperate on a Lunar Landing Mission”.

“U.S. Space Force to be Headed by Captain Marvel”.

“President Barron Trump Buys Senator Chuck Schumer New Glasses”.

“U.S. Expects to Have Troops Out of Afghanistan by Labor Day”.

“ACLU Says Railroad Crossings Violate Separation of Church and State”.

“Last Dollar Bill in Circulation Used at Taco Bell Drive Thru”.

I’m not done yet!

“Americans in Favor of Withholding Tax…From Lawmakers”.

“Artifact Uncovered in Building Demolition Determined to be an Ash Tray”.

“HGTV Has Remodeled Every Home in America”.

“Gravy Declared Public Enemy #1 by Health Officials”.

“Law Enforcement Agencies Say No Drivers Really Know How to React at a 4-Way Stop”

“Powerball Lottery Jackpot Climbs to $1 Trillion After No Matches all 87 Numbers”.

“Spraying to Start in D.C. After Swamp-Draining Flounders”.

“Driver Finally Gets Home After Being Stuck in Round-a-bout for 3 Months”.

“Indy 500 Winner Gets an STD After Kissing the Bricks”.

“Ozone Created by Electric Cars Killing Spotted Owls”.

“Heterosexual Couple Looking for Bakery to Make Them a Wedding Cake”.

Print this off and save it.

We’ll get together in 31 years and see how I did.

 

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