Are You Dead Serious?


I noted there’s a day in November (and also April) called “Plan Your Epitaph Day”.

“Epitaph” is a noun, described as “a phrase or form of words written in memory of a person who has dies, especially as an inscription on a tombstone; something by which a person, time or event will be remembered”.

I’m guessing that if I took time to write an epitaph for me every day for one year that I would have 365 different ones (oe 366 in this leap year.)

Some of the standard epitaphs include “Rest in Peace”, “In Loving Memory”, “Until We Meet Again”, “A Life Measured in Memories”, “Beloved ‘Mother’/’Father’/’Wife’/’Husband’/’Friend’/” etc., “Gone But Never Forgotten”, “A Lifetime of Laughter and Love” and “Friend to Many, Stranger to None”.

So, in my quest to come up with my epitaph, I’ve scoured the world for inspiration

One of my favorite epitaphs is for voice actor and radio personality Melvin Jerome (Mel) Blanc.

Mel is credited with nearly 400 distinct character voices for Looney Toons including Bug Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Pepe Le Pew, Tweety, Foghorn Leghorn, Sylvester, the Tasmanian Devil and others, including “Gossamer”, the hairy, orange-red monster that Bugs gave a manicure to in the 1946 feature, “Hair-Raising Hare”.

His epitaph reads, in part, “That’s All Folks!”

If you watched Looney Toons cartoons, as I did, you get it.

But I discovered other interesting “parting comments”, too.

“He Loved Bacon” (Oh yes, and his wife and kids, too)

“Here Lies Clyde. His Life Was Full. Until He Tried To Milk A Bull”.

“Joke’s Over. Let Me Out NOW!”

(Obviously claustrophobic.)

On the grave of a 66 year old man, the epitaph read, “I Was Supposed To Live To 102 And Be Shot By A Jealous Husband”.

The epitaph on TV’s Merv Griffin reads, “I Will NOT Be Right Back After This Message.”

“I Was Hoping For A Pyramid”.

(Someone from the all-girl band, The Bangles?)

I TOLD You I Was Sick”.

(Guess he wasn’t faking.)

“Here Lies Good Old Fred. A Great Big Rock Fell On His Head”.

(Fred Flinstone? Hey. He did work at the rock quarry.)

“Please Deactivate My Facebook”.

(A thoughtful social media user.)

I grew up in a house with 3 sisters and a single bathroom. so this epitaph resonated with me. “Raised 4 Beautiful Daughters With Only One Bathroom. Still There Was Love”.

“Are You Happy Now”.

A beleaguered spouse, perhaps?)

“Died From Not Forwarding That Text Message To 10 People”.

(So THAT’s what happens.)

“Damn It’s Dark Down Here”.

“Here Lies The Body Of Jonathan Blake. Stepped On The Gas Instead Of The Brake”.

Here’s one with a political flavor.

“I’m Dead And I Approve This Message”.

Big city life is reflected in this husband-and-wife epitaph.

“We Finally Found A Place To Park In Georgetown”.

A high-tech epitaph is reflected by “Connection Reset By Peer . He Came. He Saw. He Logged Out”.

“She Always Said her Feet Were Killing Her But Nobody Believed Her”.

(Damned high heels.)

On Rodney Dangerfield’s tombstone, it reads, “There Goes The Neighborhood”.

“Here Lies An Atheist…All Dressed Up And No Place To Go”.

“Here Lies Scotty Fife For Foolin’ Around With The Marshall’s Wife”.

“One Way. Do Not Enter”.

(Did this person work with the street department?)

“Ha! Ha! Ha!”

(Evidently the last laugh.)

I like this one.

It’s one of those husband and wife grave markers.

It reads, “Stupid” and “I’m With Stupid”.

“Sucks To Be Me”.

Here’s a gal with a great sense of humor.

“If You Can Read This, You Are Standing On My Boobs”.

This guy touts modern medicine with his epitaph, “Overdosed On Viagra. His Wife Took It Very Hard”.

We punsters enjoy this one. “Here Lies John Yeast. Pardon Me For Not Rising”.

Billy Wilder’s epitaph states, “I’m A Writer But Then Nobody’s Perfect”.

For some reason, I think this might be a lawyer, because the epitaph says, “I Came Here Without Being Consulted And I Leave Here Without My Consent”.

Dying must not be a big thing, since this epitaph read, “Oh Well What Ever”.

A business tycoon probably lies beneath this marker, reading, “I Made Some Good Deals And I Made Some Bad Ones. But I Really Went Into The Hole With This One”.

This one was either a former law enforcement officer or a Corleone family member because it reads, “He Never Killed A Man That Did Not Need Killing”.

How about some “names” found in cemeteries?

Barry M. Deep

Emma Goner.

Al B. Bach

(Arnold Schwarzenegger maybe?)

Izzy Deadyet

From my Old Westerns file, comes, “Here Lies Lester Moore. Four Slugs From A 44. No Less, No More”.

This one makes me wonder what “cuz” did. “Rest In Peace Cousin Huet. We All Know You Didn’t Do It”.

But I gotta tell you, an old rocker like me truly loves this one.

“Na Na Na Na.”

“Na Na Na Na”

“Hey, Hey , Hay”


That takes the “steam” out of all the others.

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