Johnny-on-the-Spot …by John Foster …
As I age, or “mature” if you prefer, why do somethings really puzzle me?
Did I read these right?
Is lemon juice made with artificial flavor but our dishwashing soap is supposedly made with real lemons?
How come I’ve never seen the headline, “Psychic wins lottery”?
Does it bother you than the person who invests your money is called a broker?
Why do we call the 3rd hand on old watches the “second” hand?
Does it confuse you that what doctors and lawyers do is “practice”?
How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
When the time of day with the slowest traffic is called “rush hour”, does that concern you?
Are you confused by the fact that you need a driver’s license to buy liquor but we’re not supposed to drink and drive?
Should there be a mouse-flavored cat food?
If I’m overweight, can I still go skinny-dipping?
Shouldn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle or tube?
You know what else concerns me?
These abbreavtions we use all the time.
It realy started for me in the military.
“DoD” for Department of Defense.
“TDY” for temporary duty.
“JAG” for Judge Advocate General.
“NCO” for non-commissioned officer.
But these little letter combinations are everywhere and many take on different meanings as we age.
“BTW” used to be “By the way” but now it can also be “Bring the walker”.
“OMG” was the exclamation for “Oh my god” but now I’m hearing, “Ouch, my gout”
“BFF”.
“Best friends forever?
Maybe.
How about, “Best Friend Fell”.
Is “ETA” for estimated time of arrival or “every toe aches”.
“BYOB” is more than just bring your own bottle or beverage.
It could be “:bring your own bib”.
Today someone can call you a “GOAT” and it isn’t preceded by “old”.
“TBD” can still be “to be determined” but for some it can be “those broken dentures”.
We used to treat people and things with a little “TLC” (tender loving care) but today it could also be for “the lost charger”.
How about, “IYKYK” which is “if you know. you know” but I change the last “K” to an “F”.
“If you know, you forget”.
I’ll bet you know what “LMFAO” ‘is.
But the senior set says it’s “Lost My Focus at Once”.
In some circles, “TBT” is “throw back Thursday” but now I’m hearing “Tired but trying”.
Seniors also refer to “FWIW” for “forget where I was”.
“GGPBL” means, “Gotta go. Pacemaker bettery low”.
At comedy clubs, seniors note, “LMDO” which is “laughing my dentures out”.
I have a few of my own.
“WTDR”.
Where’s the damned remote?
“DHHTTJL”.
Did Hulk Hogan tighten this jar lid?
“WPCSFA”.
Who put the curb so far away?
“WDTPTRIAC”
Why did they put the restroom in another country?
“ITTLODAJJT”
Is that television too loud or did a jet just take off?
“IIPOAMCIAM”.
If put on any more clothes I’m a mummy’.
It’s tough growing old.
It’s not for the meek.
I used to say I could still keep up with the young guys but it just takes me longer to get ready for the second game of a doubleheader.
I don’t need to walk laps.
I do that several times a night to the bathroom.
I’m beginning to wonder if lumpy oatmeal is s a solid food.
I do the “three-pat check” every morning before I leave the house.
.Pat the left front pants pocket for my cell phone, the left rear pocket for my wallet and the zipper for full engagement.
After I get to work, I pat my right rear pant’s pocket.
That’s where the key fob goes.
I cannot hang my light jacket on the hook on my office door because I’ll forget it when I leave unless the weather has taken a turn for the worse.
If not, I won’t have a jacket at home by Thursday.
And these security codes and passwords make me crazy.
One restaurant we visit frequently has a “preferred customer package” which gives you rewards points provided you remember your access code.
I’m beginning to think a series of tattoos on my wrist might be a solution.
Ah, I’d never remember why I put them there in the first place!
