“Cutting Edge” Relaxation…

 

Johnny-on-the-Spot

download meat cleavers

Nothing much surprises me anymore.

A new disease affects people but instead of isolating the sick, we tell everyone to stay home.

Then I learn that Elmer Fudd will not be pursuing that “wascilly wabbit with his wifle” anymore.

HBO Max, which has the new Looney Tunes cartoons, is disarming Elmer Fudd in response to gun violence in America.

However, cannons and anvil-drops are still in play in the new cartoons.

Looks like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck won’t have to make any more slick moves during hunting season.

Sounds as though Wily E. Coyote is still going to have a a challenge or two unless someone decides painting train tunnels on mountainsides might be hazardous to the environment.

Are Scooby snacks going to be targeted next by the FDA and/or the CDC because of obesity issues?

Time will tell.

So, I should not have been caught off-guard when I read about an ancient form of massage showing a resurgence of popularity in Taiwan.

It’s called “daoliao” which literally translates to “knife massage”.

It should have been front page news in Toledo, Ohio, where the long-time newspaper was the “Blade”.

At the Dao LiaoI-Kings Education Center in Taipei, you can experience a massage with meat cleavers.

The minute I heard “cleavers”, I thought of Jerry Mathers, who was Beaver Cleaver in “Leave it to Beaver”.

That allowed my mind to wander some more about the Brady Bunch and Alice’s love interest, Sam the Butcher, who I’m sure wielded a meat cleaver in his day.

But I digress.

I understand practitioners of this technique actually use the sharp ends of meat cleavers to pound at the stress points in your body.

Right off the bat, I’m stressed at the thought of somebody beating on me with meat cleavers.

However, I understand guests are wrapped in towels and robes before the “massage” starts.

Just to be safe, how about body armor?

I should point out the process also includes fortune reading.

“Mr. Foster, I see much bruising and soreness in your Mercury with Venus rising.”

This 2,000 year old “massage” is expected to be the next big thing coming to America.

Right after the Wuhan flu.

I don’t feel any safer knowing that practitioners of “daoliao” must make sure to “align their energies and keep a strict exercise regiment before massaging anyone.”

Practitioners claim the “knives” have healing powers and they are “recharged” by being placed next to meteorites before using them on a client.

I think I’d also like to see them cleaned with a Chlorox sanitary wipe.

The daoliao dudes, all vegans,  rise every morning at 5AM, do 100 squats and headstands and also beat knives against a pillow to get their “qi” energy going.

As a client, you’re expected to hold “cosmos” sticks to balance your energy, prior to having your karma “washed” with the meat cleavers.

Is a cosmo stick something Kramer had on “Seinfeld”?

Sorta sounds like those glow sticks we used to give the kids to play with.

I also think it’s a brand of dog treats.

I also understand the practitioners aren’t allowed to massage anyone if they’re in a bad mood.

That’s marginally reassuring.

The BBC claims no client at this center in Taipei has ever been harmed during a massage although someone described the process like a relaxing “Texas Chain Saw Massacre”.

Comforting.

Years ago, I experienced a chair massage during a health fair at a local shopping center.

I must tell you that when it was finished, I was quite relaxed.

My legs felt like jelly.

But that was all accomplished with hands and fingers.

No meat cleavers.

I’m thinking there’s a prospect for an enterprising auto body shop employee to adapt that trade to the massage business.

If people are willing to let you pound on them with a meat cleaver, why not a ballpeen hammer?

A little Bondo body putty could be applied to any “dents or dings” that need filled in.

Instead of being on a table, you’d lay on a hydraulic lift and they could rub you with 10W30 motor oil before beginning.

That can’t be any more far fetched than paying to have little goats walk on your back, all in the name of stress-reduction.

I could see a vegan eatery with daoliao tables.

You have your vegan meal and then have your tensions “chopped away” with meat cleavers.

Is there a “McDaoliao’s”s coming to your town soon?

The home of the Golden Cleavers.

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