“If-Then-What?”

Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster

Every year, I but a new “Old Farmer’s Almanac” and a new “Farmer’s Almanac”.

Don’t confuse the two; they are completely different publications.

However, both have neat articles and fun things to read.

The 2021 “Farmer’s Almanac” had a fun article titled “If-Then Illogic”.

For example;

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?

If seagulls fly over the sea, do bagels fly over the bay?

If you jump off a Paris bridge, are you in Seine?

If a television is a TV, shouldn’t a telephone be a TP?

If a weight lifter lifts weights, what does a shoplifter lift?

If you can tune a piano, why can’t you tuna fish?

If a firefighter fights fire, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If you don’t pay an exorcist, do you get repossessed?

If the plural of goose is geese, shouldn’t more than one moose be meese?

If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry?

If a cow fails to produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If pro and con are opposites, does than mean congress is the opposite of progress?

If a vegetarian easts vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

If a megaphone makes your voice bigger, what does a microphone do?

If olive oil is made from olives, corn oil from corn and vegetable oil from vegetables, should I be concerned about baby oil?

That’s pretty much what I learned from the Farmer’s Almanac.

But there are more.

If you’re in a crosswalk, should you scowl?

If fish have schools, shouldn’t they be smart enough to stay out of nets?

If we call tropical storms hurricanes, shouldn’t we also have himacanes?

If a flag in the breeze is leaving, does it wave good bye?

If two is company and three’s a crowd, is four a field goal and an extra point?

If you hurt your foot, should you call a toe truck?

If cows have horns, why do they moo?

If “vice” is defined as “immoral or wicked behavior”, why do we call the #2 person in our country the vice president?

If a breeze has no legs, why are there wind socks?

If a football game has 4 quarters, why don’t we call it a dollar?

If you have a white bucket, should it be called a pale pale?

If you have a heart issue on the golf course, do you have to count the stroke?

If automakers got rid of ash trays and cigarette lighters, why do we still have glove boxes?

If a turtle gambles in his home, is that a shell game?

If someone is ambidextrous, should his refrigerator also hold rightovers, too?

If a person is bald, does that mean they can’t have a hair-raising experience?

If a bread baker doesn’t want to work, would he be a loafer loafer?

If operating a banana farm sounds like fun to you, would that be an appealing occupation?

If a male donkey goes “Hee Haw”, shouldn’t a female donkey go “She Haw”?

If a butcher backs into a fan, would he be a little behind in his work?

If the southern-most Great Lake was discovered around Halloween, wouldn’t it be eerie?

If a roofer gets itchy, red blotches al over his body, is that due to shingles?

If a pear’s Mother came into the room, would that be apparent?

If I wanted to bequeath the wind to you, would you be my air heir?

If your foot falls asleep, why doesn’t it snore?

If a scientist used too much water, could that be H2 Oh, Oh?

If a dentist takes a picture of you teeth, does that leave a film in your mouth?

If a girl named wants a drink, should she drop by the Hershey bar?

If pirates were so sanitary, why didn’t they use a plunger on the poop deck?

If a train listens to you, is that because of the engineer?

If cowboys rode rocket-powered horses, would they get saddle soars?

If you are attempting to separate rabbits, is that splitting hares?

If a clucking chicken gets paid by the cluck, would that be a buck buck?

If you have a bad boomerang, can you just throw it away?

If you put ice cream, peanuts and chocolate on top of your house, would the tin roof leak?

If there’s an insect in a bunch of kittens, is that a litter bug?

If a dog drops a penny, can he still pick up a scent?

If a bunch of bees gets overheated, is that a warm swarm?

If the plural of mouse is mice, then more than one house should be hice.

Thanks for coming. I’ll let myself out.

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