Nailing the Flu…

Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster

Several weeks ago I got a bit too hasty while screwing down boards on the deck we were re-building.

The drill bit slipped out of the screw head.

I put all my weight and pressure of the bit onto my left thumbnail.

It was a “Hollywood” event.

I saw stars.

The pain did subside.

The nail then became grotesquely discolored.

Eventually the old nail separated from one side and left this big, flappy, “snag-on-everything” chunk that I had to wrap a bandage around to keep me from accidently tearing it off.

I did not want to experience another “Hollywood” event.

I was able to slip a small pair of scissors beneath the nail and trim off the “snaggy” part.

Naturally, my curiosity regarding nails has increased, so I did a little research.

By definition, nails are the claw-like parts at the tip of our fingers.

They’re made of alpha-keratin and the nail plate, which I damaged, is made of the same stuff as animal hooves and horns.

They increase the sensitivity of our and help protect our fingertips and aid us with picking things up.

They can be pretty good scrapers, too.

Fingernails grow 4 times faster than toenails.

I can expect my thumbnail to grow about .14 inches a month so it will take up to 6 months for me to get an entirely new thumbnail.

Now, there was a man in India who had a thumbnail 4 feet 9.6 inches long.

I always wonder how some people function with those long fingernails. Seems like they’d get in the way a lot!

The actual part of the nail is under the skin at the nail’s proximal end under the epidermis, the only living part of the nail.

That which we paint or trim or chew is actually dead but the nail is actually more permeable than skin and is made up of 7-12% water.

So, for the next few months, I’ll be hitching rides with my right thumb.

I also heard that health officials are keeping an eye on a new COVID-19 variant.

They refer to this one as “Delta-Plus”.

Sounds like a Sylvester Stallone movie to me.

But, I understand there might be other variants out there that we should be on the lookout for.

There’s one that seems to only affect makers and drinkers of beer.

The “Brew Flu”.

There’s another version that might be spread by night-flying birds.

It’s the “Who Flu”.

Might want to be on the lookout for the variant that people apparently catch while using British toilet facilities.

I think it’s called the “Loo Flu”

There’s the spooky, Halloween variant showing up, called the “Boo Flu”.

If you remember the movie “The Graduate”, Simon and Garfunkel sang about a malady that Mrs. Robinson had…”The Coo Coo Ca Choo Flu”.

The Beatles also had a little in the tune, “I Am the Walrus”.

I think “Coo Coo Ca Choo” was a 60’s thing, meaning it’s “all good” or “everything’s okay”.

If you no longer like that weekday morning talk show, it might be due to that fact that you’ve been infected with “The View Flu”.

If you’re out of breath and exhausted after a long workout, there’s a chance you have the “Whew! Flu”.

Perhaps the loss of my thumbnail wasn’t due to my haste while doing a project. Perhaps I caught the “Screw Flu”.

I haven’t quite put my finger on that one just yet.

(Thank you. I’ll be here through Thursday. Try the veal and remember to tip the waitstaff.)

If you get ill after seeing an old Lee Marvin western, you might have caught the “Cat Ballou Flu”.

Coming home with a fever after flying on Delta, it might be the “Flew Flu”.

Sweating out past-due bills might be due to a touch of the “IOU Flu”.

Cattle barns might be the big spreaders of the “Moo Flu”.

Watch your eyesight because if you start seeing double, you may have caught the “Two Flu”.

If you get nauseous popping gum into your mouth, it might be the first sign of “Chew Flu”.

Be careful in the dog park because a misstep might expose you to the “Doo Flu”.

Are you tired of never-ending TV ads for law firms?

You might be coming down with the “Sue Flu”.

Listen, if any of this made you chuckle, I’ve accomplished my objective.

Research says laughter “strengthens your immune system, boosts your mood, diminishes pain and protects you from the damaging effects of stress.”

There’ll be no charge for this advice.

It’s all factual.

At least I think it is.

Good grief.

Maybe I have the “True Flu”.


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