Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster
Several weeks ago, somebody tossed a mattress into the field along County Road 200 at Shady Lane.
I use the term “tossed” because I don’t think one can “lose” a mattress.
In all the years I’ve moved furniture, (even professionally after high school), I’ve never “lost” a mattress.
I can only imagine my wife’s response if I pulled into the driveway with a truck or trailer and she asked, “So, where’s the mattress?”
I’d be retracing my steps until said sleeping material was located.
Now, this “tossed” mattress has been exposed to the elements, including several snows, pounding rains, frosty temperatures and even some very sunny days.
My guess is on the underside, we’d find some earthworms and perhaps, other “critters” who have sought shelter beneath it.
I’m guessing this might be a full-sized mattress which means it probably weighs a bit more than the roughly 50 pounds as a new one might tip the scales.
All that rain and snow!
Talk about wetting the bed!!
The though occurred to me that this “lost” mattress occurred as a local Mafia family was taking “to the mattresses” as they used to do during a war with another family.
They’d rent a small apartment and fill it with mattresses so the gunmen had somewhere safe to hide out.
That’s where they’d ride out the storm.
I remembered that from watching the “Godfather” movies.
The whole concept with “mattresses” and conflicts can be traced to the 1500’s when mattresses would be hung on the outside of castle towers to minimize the da,mage from cannon fire.
Talk about a lumpy mattress!
I also thought this “tossed” mattress might just be “airing out”.
Mattress experts suggest leaving your bed unmade occasionally.
Remember, you spend one-third of your life “in bed” and you do more than sleep while there.
Some folks sweat up to a pint a night and that mattress can accumulate body oils and saliva, too.
Letting a mattress “breathe” on occasion keeps it fresher.
However, I wouldn’t suggest tossing it alongside a county road in your neighborhood.
This unidentified mattress “tosser” may have known experts suggest buying a new mattress every 7 years.
Since you cannot thoroughly clean a mattress, the best you can hope to do is employ a waterproof mattress cover and use fitted sheets.
The latter was invented by Berta Berman in 1958.
By the way, are you any good at folding them?
Mattress pads, waterproof covers and fitted sheets will keep the moisture at bay but you still have to deal with dead skin cells, dust mites and sometimes bed bugs.
We all lose millions of dead skin cells every night and dust mites love to eat them.
And, if they eat skin cells, they also make “skin cell doo-doo” so think about that when you lie down tonight.
The average bed will contain up to 10 million dust mites.
Now, there used to be an old urban myth that the typical mattress doubles its’ weight in 8 years, due to all the dead skin cells and dust mites but that’s pretty much untrue.
So, how do you get rid of an old mattress?
I’ve found that most companies will dispose of your old sleeping equipment when you buy their new stuff.
There are even a few states that actively recycle mattresses.
So, this abandoned mattress keeps laying in the field where soybeans grew last year.
Now, at some point, that farmer is going to plant a new crop and someone’s going to have to move that “tossed” mattress.
I don’t think it will convert to compost anytime soon.
I thought maybe I’d ask by son-in-law and grandson to help me load it into the back of my pick-up truck and I’d haul it to the landfill.
But, doggone it, I didn’t toss it there!
Some irresponsible idiot saw fit to lighten his load on a drive through the area.
This calls for corporal punishment or at least a dunce cap and sitting in the corner for awhile.
It is interesting to note that “mattress” comes from the Arab word “matrah, which is from “taraha” which translates to “throw”.
Should I suspect an Arabic mattress “tosser”?
Or someone who likes dominoes?
Have you heard about “Mattress Dominoes?”
Several years ago, more than 2,000 mattresses were toppled like dominoes to set the world record.
The record was set near Wuhan, China.
Wasn’t there a market in that city when the COVID-19 virus originated?
If I see some rubber gloves or some face masks around our discarded mattress, should I notify the CDC?
My wife and I have been “binge-watching” old “Mentalist” episodes so that might be why my mental wanderings have tied this back to the coronavirus.
The bottom line for me is some inconsiderate boob tossed a mattress along the road that I travel everyday to and from work.
It just ticks me off.